The Pain – Chapter 17

Tina was busy packing in preparation for her return home. She was very eager to see her family, friends and employees. She couldn’t wait to get back to work. Her flight was the next night, and she still had a lot to sort out.

Although she had started packing a week earlier, the whole process seemed like a never ending task. Her stay in the UK had been worth it. She had recuperated so well that she felt like her former self. She ended up spending slightly over two months as against the one month she had scheduled. She still had not given Abayomi an answer. She really liked him, and could almost say that she was in love him. However, the thought of becoming vulnerable before him was scary. She shuddered at the very thought of baring herself to him. It wasn’t as if she could not go into a relationship and keep these things to herself, it was just that there was something so powerful about Abayomi that seemed to demand that she bared it all. Since she understood this, it meant that she either stayed away from him or fully committed herself to him. She looked up at the wall clock. It was almost 6pm and Abayomi would arrive any moment. Just as the thought crossed her mind, the front door bell rang. She put the folded denim jacket she had been holding into the box and went downstairs to open the door.

“Hi” Abayomi said smiling.

“Hi yourself” Tina replied smiling back. “Please come in” she said as she led him to the living room where he took a seat on the single-seater close to the TV. Abayomi looked really good in his tee-shirt, jeans and sneakers. He smelled very nice too as his cologne wafted towards her.

Abayomi stared at Tina and couldn’t help the strong pull of emotions in him. God, I love this woman! He thought. Tina could see the emotions in Abayomi’s eyes as he looked at her. He wasn’t even trying to hide it. They watched each other silently as if waiting for the other person to talk. Her heart cut as she thought of what she was about to say.

“I’m so sorry Abayomi, because my answer to your proposal is ‘no’, I can’t marry you.” Tina said sadly looking away from him.

Abayomi looked befuddled “Why can’t you marry me?” He asked with pain in his eyes.

“You don’t know me Abayomi. There are things about me that you don’t know, and I’m too scared to tell you.” She answered truthfully not able to meet his eyes.

“Tina, please look at me” he said standing up to sit beside her. “I love you. I love you so much that my heart aches at the thought of not having you as my wife. I can’t imagine marrying any other person but you.” He said taking her hands in his. “See, when I proposed to you, I didn’t do so believing and expecting that you were perfect because I’m also not perfect. I did so because you are what I want in a wife. I want you to be the mother of my children. I desire you like I’ve never desired anyone. More importantly, I know we can fulfill purpose together.” He said.

“Tina, you know we’ve had various conversations about God, our purpose, vision, and so many other things in the past.” He continued. “Those conversations have reinforced my feelings for you. You should know by now that I don’t make decisions frivolously.” He said “There are things about me too that I know you also don’t know. But that’s the essence of making a commitment, so that we can share our burdens, dreams, pains and work things out together. That is what I want my marital journey to be about – to be able to bare it all and help each other in love. It’s why I’ve shared a good chunk of myself with you, even though we had no prior commitment. I’ve gone as far as telling you about Motun and even a good chunk of my past. Besides, I’ve so prayed about this that I’m absolutely sure that my decision to marry you, no matter what you think is wrong with you, is the right one.” He reiterated. “Please Tina, don’t let what you think my reaction to whatever you have to share affect your decision about me. Please” he pleaded softly still holding her hands.

Tina’s heart pounded as she watched the play of emotions on Abayomi’s face. She had never seen a man, other than her dad, become that vulnerable before. Deep down in her heart, she knew he was telling the truth, but the thought of sharing her past and becoming as vulnerable as he was towards her was too scary. She had once been in that situation, and the result had cost her terribly. She removed her hands from his, stood up from the chair and paced the living room. Her mind was in a turmoil. Abayomi looked forlorn at her. She recalled what her uncle had said.

“Tina, I believe that everyone at one point or the other has encountered their own share of pain. But what separates people who dwell in that state and others who become liberated is the decisions they make in spite of their pain.” He had told her. “Life is all about taking risks dear, and as a Christian, you have the advantage of being well informed before plunging in because God always leads His children. If along the way you encounter another challenge, He is always there to sees you through.” He had said.

“Remember David in the Bible? You can imagine how much pain he must have felt when he got home and realized that his entire family, plus every other family he knew, had been carted away. The pain must have been really intense especially considering their initial elation on their way home. I want you to think about it. While they were busy rejoicing and plundering the spoils of war on the battlefield, their families back home were being kidnapped in pain and tears. I want you to also imagine the amount of guilt and pain they must all have felt.” He said “I guess that was why when the realization of what had happened dawned on them, they all broke down in tears, and wept till they no longer had strength. But did that change their situation? No. David realized this and had to encourage himself in God’s ability. He decided to take the risk to go out there and look for them. David loved God and understood that he needed God’s opinion and guidance on the next step to take. He could have just gone ahead to claim what he had lost, but he sought God first. Once he was sure that God backed him up, it was that word that gave him strength, and to everyone to not just pursue, but to overtake and recover all” he had said.

“You are the only one who has the power through God to move past this phase. The source of this pain is in your past, and you need to let it stay there and not taint your future. You need to sincerely forgive in order to embrace what God has in store for you. Once you do, kick fear out and start living.” He had continued. “Have you asked God what his plans for you and Abayomi are? Are you discerning enough to test if he is the real deal or a fake who would hurt you further?” He had asked “You can’t continue life by judging every man who shows interest in you as if they were Ugo. You would eventually miss out on very important relationships, and may even miss out in marrying the right person. Or don’t you ever want to get married?” He had asked her. She had replied in the affirmative. “Exactly, I didn’t think otherwise. In that case, take Abayomi’s proposal very seriously. Pray about it and be very sure before giving him an answer. Don’t let fear make you bolt in the opposite direction of God’s leading. If you need professional help, I can discreetly link you up with someone in Nigeria.” He had said.

Coming out of her reverie, Tina took a sit opposite Abayomi. She had tears in her eyes as she looked at Abayomi and said “I can’t”.