#StayAtHomeMarriage2 – Personal Space Management

When your spouse is constantly in your face because you are together, it can be a challenging experience managing your personal space. Then with children in the picture, this could even make you feel overwhelmed.

I remember the first one month Mr. M and I were together after he resigned, I felt “holed up” in a “test”. But because we had unconsciously done the exercise I recommended in my previous post, we ended up adjusting moderately fast to each other. Besides, since it was not up to a year after marriage, it was possible that the honeymoon mushy feeling must have made a positive impact. We were together in whatever we planned to do and there was no going back. As much as I loved his company, I still needed my own space. Mr. M felt the same too. So how did we cope?

Firstly, I came to realize that Mr. M sometimes wants to be left alone. We could be in the middle of some interesting gist or task, and after a few minutes, the conversation stops because Mr. M wants to move on to something else without me. I initially felt like he was shutting me out or maybe I had done/said something to hurt him, but I later realized (it took a long while though) that he just wanted that “me” time. Your spouse may be like Mr. M or like me who takes a while to “come out” of my space, and unlike Mr. M, I do not retreat into my space easily or often. Therefore, whenever your spouse shows the signs of wanting his/her personal space, please oblige without taking it as an affront on your person or with suspicion. If you need your personal space as well, communicate with your spouse and help him/her understand your needs.

Secondly, work from different rooms. Mr. M and I love being in the same room together. We tend to thrive more when we are both sharing the same work space. However, when you have been together in the same space for so long, conflict is bound to arise. Now that you have no choice than to be in the same space with your spouse at this time, you can already imagine how much you have to contend with. Though the conflict may not always come directly from your spouse, other factors like working from home, your children, or even other family members can be sources of conflict. As a result, there is a tendency to lash out consciously or unconsciously at your spouse. In other to avoid this, especially when you kind of feel on an edge, work from/move to a different room for a while. Preserving the peace in your home should be paramount to you at this time. For your own sake, please pursue peace. I would rather you stay away for a while to deal with your emotions than let them control you. What I usually do is to retreat to another room and pray in the spirit. By praying in the spirit, I am giving my spirit man the right of way to my emotions. I’m killing the flesh and allowing God’s spirit in me take decisions. By the time I am through, I have a clearer head. Whatever space my heart had for malice or appetite for pettiness or revenge is snuffed out. You should do that too.

Lastly, become secure in yourself through God. The worst thing that can happen to you is to live a life of paranoia. I don’t know about you, but as much as I love and trust my husband, he is not my all in all. I want you to read that statement carefully again. Yes, you read right! I have learnt and I am learning to be secure in God and God alone. Mr. M knows this and has the same thoughts too. In fact, he encourages me to stay secure in myself through God. When you do this, managing your personal space becomes easier and more fruitful. This is because you are not simply focusing on “self” which naturally is selfish and destructive. Instead, you are focusing on God to make “self” show good character in love which makes you a better person and positively affects your marriage. You become more accommodating and forgiving. Above all, the strength, grace and wisdom in maximising your personal space is made available. I implore you to get to know God personally. You have just one thing to lose – “self”.

In my next post, I will be delving deeper into resolving conflict particularly the kind that can leave you very emotionally distraught.

Thanks for reading. See you soon!